| You are if: | | | | states and the civil war was not about slavery and the |
| You are perfectly healthy but yet so damn lazy that | | | | unalienable rights of men regardless of the color of |
| you need to wait for an elevator to go up or down | | | | their skin despite the fact that several southern states |
| one flight of stairs and think that everyone else on the | | | | issued declarations stating so ad nauseam. |
| elevator should deal with your own laziness. | | | | You actually think that slavery was outlawed in the |
| You would rather toss your cigarette butt out your car | | | | United States by the 13th Amendment. It was not! It is |
| window than use your own ashtray for whatever | | | | still allowed as punishment for a crime for which the |
| reason. Double this if you are driving a "Prius" or other | | | | person has been duly convicted. |
| hybrid and trying to pretend you care about the | | | | You think the ACLU actually is a great and noble |
| environment. | | | | organization with principles firmly rooted in the |
| You run out to get your lottery ticket religiously each | | | | Constitution. |
| week in hopes of getting lucky instead of relying on | | | | You refuse to accept that Margaret Sanger, mother |
| hard work to succeed. | | | | of the abortion rights movement, was a racist |
| You think that because you win an Emmy, Tony, | | | | promoting eugenics as a way of trying to control the |
| Oscar or any award that people want to hear about | | | | size of the black population in America. |
| your political views. | | | | You whine when someone says something you |
| You can't drive while talking on your cell phone and | | | | consider "mean". Awww. Boo FREAKING Hoo! |
| swerve all over the road, get a ticket and give nebby | | | | You haven't laughed at something on this list yet and |
| politicians an excuse to punish the rest of us who are | | | | are offended by most of it because most of the |
| actually capable of doing more than one thing at a | | | | things on it strike too close to home. |
| time. | | | | You sit around and look for internet polls to spike and |
| You vote for said nebby politicians because you think | | | | are so deluded that you think it will convince others |
| that they really should micromanage everyone's lives. | | | | that your candidate of choice has more support than |
| You can't be bothered to read the instructions for | | | | he or she really does. |
| something (anything, I don't care what it is) and | | | | You have read more books by Noam Chomsky than |
| complain that you can't figure it out. You're an even | | | | you have by or about the Founding Fathers. |
| bigger part of the problem if you start asking others to | | | | You irrationally think that anyone who disagrees with |
| help you because even after you realize you can't | | | | you must automatically be a racist, sexist, fascist or |
| figure it out you STILL refuse to read the manual! | | | | something else silly in order to justify in your own mind |
| You say you support the troops but not their "mission". | | | | why they don't see things your way. |
| Basically you are saying you support the troops but | | | | When I reference Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution |
| that you don't agree with them and the job they have | | | | you have no idea what it says and have to run to take |
| chosen to do? Huh. Interesting way to "support" | | | | a look. |
| someone. | | | | You think that the Constitution (in the words of Captain |
| You try to win arguments by setting up elaborate | | | | Barbosa) is more of just a guideline anyway. So who |
| canards about why someone can't have an intelligent | | | | cares if it gets violated right? |
| opinion about a topic (i.e. if you aren't in the military you | | | | You refuse to accept that modern liberalism is in fact |
| can't have an opinion about the war, etc.). Fine then. By | | | | Marxism. |
| that same token unless you have a pair of Engineering | | | | You refuse to accept the truth that the vast, vast |
| Degrees, specifically a Bachelors in Chemical | | | | majority of our founding fathers were unabashedly |
| Engineering and a Masters in Environmental | | | | Christians and dismiss the fact they proclaimed such |
| Engineering, are conservative, aren't currently running | | | | as they signed in the Constitution by stating that they |
| your own business and so on and so forth, you can't | | | | did so "in the year of our Lord" because it doesn't fit |
| comment on my opinions because, well, obviously you | | | | your view of history. |
| aren't qualified to know what the heck I am talking | | | | You think that you can claim the Declaration of |
| about because of your limited experience and | | | | Independence doesn't mention God and get away with |
| understanding of my point of view. | | | | it. |
| You actually think the towers of the World Trade | | | | Your grasp of American history consists of little more |
| Center were brought down by controlled demolition | | | | than at one time some white people had slaves and |
| and that it was a missile, not a jet plane, which | | | | that therefore everything is wrong with the world |
| slammed in the Pentagon. | | | | because of it. |
| You don't know enough about the properties of steel | | | | You think FDR was a great President for his legacy of |
| to comment about what happened at the World | | | | unconstitutional social programs. |
| Trade Center on September 11th, have only gotten | | | | You think that the impeachment of Bill Clinton was "just |
| your knowledge from conspiracy websites and fake | | | | about sex" in order to dismiss it instead of admitting |
| or inexperienced engineers who couldn't computer their | | | | that it was really about him lying under oath and |
| way out of a paper bag, and STILL feel compelled to | | | | suborning perjury in order to prevent a woman from |
| comment on how there is no way those two planes | | | | having her Constitutionally guaranteed day in court. |
| could have toppled those buildings. | | | | You think "Bush lied" about weapons of mass |
| You think that you should be able to coerce other | | | | destruction and that he was only going after Saddam |
| people to pay for your retirement, health care benefits, | | | | because he tried to kill his daddy and for oil and that |
| etc. through government force. | | | | those were the only reason why the Iraq got its ass |
| You try to equate someone that is upset about illegal | | | | kicked ... again. |
| immigrants who are breaking our laws as somehow | | | | You think Hitler (the head of the National Socialist |
| being anti-immigrant. | | | | German Workers' Party) was actually "right wing". |
| You actually think you know more than God and try to | | | | Notice the word "Socialist" there much? |
| convince people that they shouldn't eat meat even | | | | You think that evangelical Christians are as big of a |
| though we have teeth designed specifically for that | | | | threat (or an even bigger threat) to America than |
| purpose. Go eat your veggies if you want, but leave | | | | Islamic extremists who want you to either convert or |
| the rest of us alone! | | | | die. |
| You insanely chant the slogan "war is never the | | | | You think Rosie O'Donnell actually has a grasp on |
| answer". When you are being hauled off to a | | | | reality. |
| concentration camp because you convinced people | | | | You were one of the bozos that applauded something |
| not to fight back against evil get back to me and let | | | | Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said during his speech at |
| me know how well that slogan worked out will ya? | | | | Columbia University. |
| You actually believe that the secession of southern | | | | |