| #1- Elizabeth, a 40 year old homemaker was always | | | | Four ways to change what you teach others |
| feeling angry and “used” by her family, | | | | 1. Try a softer start-up. Marital research shows that |
| constantly saying that everybody took advantage of | | | | the first few seconds of an interaction can predict the |
| her. She felt that she worked like a slave but her | | | | final outcome of the encounter. Try being softer, more |
| family showed no appreciation or acknowledgement | | | | polite, more respectful, less hostile, or more |
| of her many efforts. | | | | empathetic—and see how this change in your |
| Case #2- Bill, a 34 year old husband complained that | | | | approach actually teaches others to respond better to |
| his critical wife was always angry at him. | | | | you. |
| He spent his life trying to cope with her outrages which | | | | 2. Take a time-out before dealing with the conflict or |
| often escalated him into defensive anger which | | | | situation. Conflicting or arguing family members often |
| didn’t happen anywhere but in this relationship. | | | | work themselves up to a point at which problem |
| Case #3- Betty, a 42 year separated mother | | | | solving is impossible. |
| struggled with her soon to be ex-husband's contempt | | | | The solution is to retreat and give yourself time to |
| and disrespect every time she angrily called him to | | | | calm down and think things over. This takes at least 20 |
| discuss details of their divorce. | | | | minutes, often much longer. Before taking your time |
| These three cases bring up the question often asked | | | | out, it is important to tell the other person that you will |
| by participants in our anger management classes: Is it | | | | commit to returning soon to deal with the conflict, after |
| possible to control how family members treat us? The | | | | you are calmer—then be sure to do it! |
| short answer is “no” — but often | | | | 3. Acknowledge that you see how they must be |
| we can teach them to treat us better! | | | | seeing the situation. Called “empathy,” |
| Believe it or not, we are constantly teaching our family | | | | this response on your part teaches others that you |
| how to treat us— both by our responses to their | | | | care about their feelings and viewpoints, and opinions. |
| behavior, and by the behavior we display to them | | | | Acknowledgement doesn’t mean that you |
| which they react to. In our case examples: | | | | necessarily agree with their viewpoint —only that |
| - By automatically doing whatever her husband and | | | | you see it. Sometimes, your family needs to know that |
| children requested, Elizabeth was | | | | you care about them and respect their opinions before |
| “teaching” them that there are almost | | | | they listen to what you say. |
| no limits to what she would do for them. | | | | 4. Set limits and boundaries for your family members. |
| - With his behavior, Bill was actually teaching his wife | | | | Limits and boundaries are basically rules regarding |
| that the way to get attention from him (even if it was | | | | acceptable behaviors toward you as well as what you |
| negative attention) was for her to create drama. | | | | are willing or not willing to do. |
| - Betty was so intimidated by her husband, that her | | | | If you feel others are taking advantage of you, ask |
| defensive “attitude” was | | | | yourself what you may be doing ( or not doing )to give |
| “teaching” him that to deal with her, he | | | | the message it is “ok” for them to do |
| had to push back with the contempt and disrespect | | | | whatever they are doing. Often you can change their |
| that he constantly showed her. | | | | behavior toward you by teaching them different rules |
| The dance of anger | | | | of being with you. The easiest way to do this is simply |
| Our interchange with family members is often like a | | | | to respond differently yourself. For instance, they |
| carefully choreographed dance. They make a move. | | | | make you the core of a nasty joke. Being a nice |
| You make a move in response to their move. They | | | | person, you pretend it doesn’t bother you (even |
| then respond to what you said or did and …well, | | | | though it does), so you laugh with everybody else. As |
| you get the idea! | | | | an alternative, try not laughing with them, which is a |
| How do you change the dance? Start by seeing | | | | way of teaching them that they have crossed a |
| yourself as a teacher—of how you would like | | | | boundary with you. |
| your family to treat you. | | | | 2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved. |